♥

I’ve been posting from my phone a lot since going onto my computer is still painful. Fuck. My phone hurts too but I still have to try. So, for everyone who is sending messages, I can’t answer privately but I do appreciate them and read every single one. I know I’ve said that I was thankful before but I’ll keep doing it.

“It’s suggestive towards women cause they howl during sex” I saw this at a stand at a carnival and started thinking about how hard Imran and I laughed during this scene and the random howls he’d give me through out the next few weeks. I couldn’t stop smiling when I bought it. I kept hearing songs that reminded me of Imran and tried my hardest not to cry. I just kept thinking that he’d want this. He’d want me to go out and do what I can to keep going. I still feel guilty. I saw some girl at the carnival who went to the same high school us and I kept thinking she must think I’m so low and scummy and I honestly got so upset and tried to move past it to go on all of the danger rides. I kinda hopes to get hurt, not going to lie. I must sound crazy but thats just how it is. I put on a brave face and I tried really hard to keep my head high and walk like a queen. He better be proud of me. Even if I wasted a lot of money today. Ha. I can just hear the lecture. I’m still with the girls. I think it’s helping to keep my mind busy but I’m afraid of when I’m going to be home and alone. I’ll wrap this up now. I miss him so much. I’m going to keep my kind busy. I think I’ll start trying to rewatch the office this week with Imran. It’s going to hurt so much but I have to do this.

I am trying so hard. Please be proud of me, please. I’m watching American Psycho and I ate today. I cried and talked to you in the shower but I’m trying. Staring down at my wrists is working. I hold my thigh heart when I feel like hurting myself. I’m with friends and they’re trying to keep me distracted but I swear to god I’m still thinking about you. I always will. Ha. Remember when we always felt like you were Patrick Bateman and I was completely okay with it? Crazy to think about. I’m trying to suck it all in and be strong. I have my strong brave face on. Just for you.
Tonight, I don’t want to wake up screaming. I don’t. Not in front of everyone. If you’re watching over me, please please please.

Anonymous: And also don't ever think you have failed him because that is not what he would want that's an absolutely ridiculous thing to think. Open your mind and try to think positive ( I know very hard atm) also because that allows for him to contact you easier. because I know he will try!

I’m just terrified right now and hurt. So hurt.

Anonymous: Yes I 100% understand where you are coming from keep positive and keep an open mind! xxx much love

I’m trying. Thank you. <3

I’m reading every single message everyone is sending me. I’m so sorry for taking so long ot get back please understand. The support is overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming. Even if I keep looking down at my wrists and thigh I still cry. I try harder not to but I am. I am shaking and I am so very tired. I can’t express how grateful I am. I spent so long distancing myself and keeping myself from getting close and people who are practically strangers are trying to help me through this and it’s so overwhelming. I’m sorry. Thank you. I will get back with you all.

Anonymous: Hi I just want to say, first sorry for your loss =( and second that death is not the end, death doesn't exist, only physical death of the body. We are here to learn lessons to evolve and the people we live it with is all pree planned, he is your soul mate and you have contracts with each other, people come and people leave when it is their choice, all unknown though when in physical form. You WILL see him again I have no doubt about it. And believe this 100%.

I respect your believes a hundred percent just like I respect everyone elses and I understand you mean well and I appreciate it. What had happened was a freak accident he really really didn’t deserve. Every waking hour I spend wishing I was in that car with him. As much as we all know that wherever he is is better than where he was, I’d still rather have him here. I’m sure you can understand where I’m coming from. I’d rather him be right next to me punching my side and going “oh no, the baby” then anything else right now. I don’t mean to sound like an asshole or disrespectful it’s just how I feel. The fact that I can’t hold him right now and hear his voice whether it’s yelling at me or insulting me or telling me how much he loves me is what’s killing me so much. I understand he’s going to be with me in spirit but it’s still very hard for me to appreciate him just in spirit, y’know? I’m so sorry if I offended you. It wasn’t my intention at all.

theresnorevolution: post whatever the hell you want, and the next time some twat sends you a message like that, please direct them over to me and don't feel the need to explain yourself. writing about things can release your anger, resentment, and sadness. you can't just hold it all inside. i'm sorry that anon only expects fucking worthless pictures instead of words and if she is really that sick of seeing you cope with death, then she can go fuck herself- heartless bitch.

<3

Anonymous: I lost my fiance two years ago from cancer. I want you to know that it does get better, and you will be okay. It's an awful thing what happened and I hope you know that you are never alone. Keep your head up, you're a beautiful girl and Imran wouldn't want you to be depressed over him passing. Keep the memories with you, but don't live in them. xo

I am so sorry for your loss. Imran and I always acted as if we were a married couple so I know where you’re coming from and I appreciate hearing this from someone who went through such a hard loss like I am. Thank you so much. I’m trying so hard to be strong for him and I.

This is another tattoo I got in his memory. I chose not to post it on facebook-even if he’d make his little mischievous grin because I was being so personal and it had to do with him. “keep me close to your thighs. The thought will warm us both.” -Spartacus. As much as we joked around about the scene back when it was just our show, he’d say that to me whenever I went out or whenever he was leaving. Imran and I were on such a personal and intimate level that it was insane. We were closer than anyone can imagine. As weird as this may sound, I counted him as my first and I always will. He helped me through my PTSD with a lot of patience and kindness and he was so gentle with me. Because of him, I was able to be touched and held and I stopped being so afraid of men. That was one of the main things he’s ever done for me. Granted, our sex life may have gotten crazy but hey, he helped me through all of it. He helped me get over nightmares and everything. I’m crying as I type this so I’m going to wrap it up.My legs were one of his favorite parts of mine. He always touched them and reminded me that even though I thought they were so fat and disgusting that they were beautiful just like the rest of me. I used to self harm on my upper thighs and I remember this one day he just lifted my tunic and pulled my leggings down after I winced because he had touched my leg too hard on accident. He kissed every single scar. As cheesey as it was. He kissed all of them. Told me it was going to be okay and that he loved me. That heart is going to be a reminder to keep myself from self harming because he wouldn’t have liked it and would’ve been so mad at me. I won’t let his hard work go to waste. As hard as this is and as much as I want to be with him. I’m going to try so hard not to give up. I love him so much, it’s the least I could do after everything.

its-only-the-apocalypse: Honestly this is for all the anons, shut the fuck up. You think you know what she is going through, but you DON'T. None of you can ever understand what it is like to lose a best friend a soul mate until you lose one. Imran was a great guy, and was Domie's other half. We never saw her not talking to him. So, all of you can kindly take your hate and go. If you're hating just to hate, you're more than welcome to come to me. Just leave her alone, you irritating dip wads.

<3

liliumgrey: FUCK THAT ANON. SERIOUSLY? NO FUCKING RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING BLOG.

<3

Anonymous: who is Imran? I see posts that are tagged 'imran appreciation post' but i just assumed he was like, a celebrity. Who is he?

I don’t mean to sound like a complete asshole but I think if you read the first page of my blog so far, you’d know. He was my best friend, my other half. My soul mate in many ways. He was everything to me and more. When I say that my life revolved around him, it really did. He was everything and more I could ever ask for in a companion.

Back in December, when I was going through that rough depression and I self harmed constantly and battled my suicide tendencies. Imran was there to build me up, he kept me save, saved my life and constantly reminded me that I was worth so much more than I thought I was. When people backed off to give me space, he didn’t, he stood right on top of me and I may have not appreciated it then but I’m grateful for it now. For my birthday, as much of a grump he was he wrote me this wonderful letter. Even if he cut it short cause it was getting too “sappy” for his badass behavior, I dug it up. I read it over and over. I read how much he loved me and cared for me and how he thought I was amazing and how I should keep my chin up because I was awesome. I went today and got the words done in his exact handwriting. I drove the artist crazy to make sure she did it the right way and she did a great job. I didn’t cry, I think he would be so proud that I put on such a brave face. This tattoo, as small as it is will be a constant reminder that no matter what, he’d want me to keep my chin up. He’d want me to stay strong because he loved me. And even if he’s gone and I may not be alone because he’ll always love me. Just like I will constantly continue to love him.